"I don't need you."
It stung a little bit. I had heard it before from a past girlfriend who, at the time, I believed actually really did need me to help her process her past.
I have my junk. There's more in my past than I would like to admit. Making mistakes, chasing illusions, and being controlled by my insecurities all shaped past relationships. I, however, was too stubborn to acknowledge my faults and work on them.
I have testosterone in my body. It's the chemical that makes a person desire to and believe they can fix another person. Little problems, big problems, no problems at all? Testosterone says " I can fix you." At times, I think I was drawn to girls who could provide me with the sense that I was needed to "fix" them.
I want to feel like I fill a void.
So when the girl, who over the course of a few weeks had gone from a person I enjoyed, to a person I really liked, to someone I truly loved, said she "didn't need" me, it stung. I was momentarily deflated not as much by the fact that she said, but by the reality that it was true.
I thought about it. She didn't need me. She's intelligent, intentional, mature, and independent. Sure she has her faults and has her share of regrets. But she identified them and worked through them on her own. She's healthy. It was a major reason why I almost didn't pursue her after the first date.
She doesn't need me.
And the more I thought about it. I don't need her either. As much as I spent most of my life desiring to fill another person's "void," I wanted someone to fill my void as well.
With the exception of a couple coffee dates, I have been in dating hibernation for the past two years. My last relationship was not the healthiest and it brought to light some of my insecurities and shortcomings. My "voids" were blatantly clear.
So I worked on them. I wasn't ready to date. I had to figure out myself. I had to be the right person before I could ever discern who the right person was for me.
And I became content. I became content with being single. It didn't matter that thirty was rapidly approaching. I was happy with myself...satisfied with who I am. Sure, I want to be married. But why rush?
And out of contentment with my singleness, she entered my life. And I almost missed her. After a great first date filled with brutal honesty and lots of laughs, I relapsed to my old self. She wasn't like the girls I had dated before. She was incredibly independent. I didn't think I could offer her much...she didn't need me.
I went home and crafted an email I would send to her. It was nice and honest. I talked about the things I liked about her, but ended with why I didn't think we were "right" for one another.
I almost sent it. But I was conflicted. I really enjoyed the date. I sent my buddy a text telling him about it. His response was, "get to know her heart."
So I called her up and I did just that.
We talked for over an hour the first night. The second night we talked for almost two. It was easy. It was fun. I was falling.
And here we are a month and a half later....a little ridiculous about each other.
It's easy and fun. A friend had told me a few years back that the dating stage should be easy, because marriage can be hard. This is easy. I know things will get tough. We will work through those things, but for now it's easy. There's no insecurities, no skeletons left hiding in the closet, no facade of fancy and fun dates. It's just been doing life together and it's been really enjoyable.
And, no, she doesn't need me. And I don't need her. But I want her.
I know I would have missed her if I hadn't worked through my stuff.
Only from a place of personal contentment can we enjoy another person for who they truly are.
