Fighting Old

My knees don't hurt that bad. My back is still intact. I haven't watch The Price is Right in Years. I don't take a multi-vitamin or drive a Cadillac. All my teeth are still attached to my gums and I still don't get 10% off at Denny's. I don't feel old.

Then it happens. I look at my drivers license and it dawns on me. I'm old. Well, at least in my book. In two months I will turn 28 years OLD. I will definitely be in my late twenties and rapidly approaching my thirties and then death. I never get sick. This makes me sick.

Where is my wife? It's about time to have kids, right? I should know what an IRA is or have an idea how many thousands of dollars are in my 401k, shouldn't I? Homeownership is in my immediate future, right?

I've never had some master plan. As a child, I would have been happy being a professional athlete, journalist, or business owner when I grew up. I was never attached to anything except being a father. For some reason I knew that I had to be a father before I died. I figured that this would happen by the time I turned 28. You know, get married at 25, have a couple years of freedom, and then have a kid or three.

And here comes 28 and unless I steal a kid (I don't advise this) I won't have one anytime soon.

I put expectations on myself that, at times, make life miserable. I look around at friends who have been married for years, are having kids, and are purchasing homes and I think, I'm way behind the curve. I have none of these things and I'm not even close to having just one of them.

My Dad bought me a GPS a couple years ago for Christmas. I wasn't sure why. I actually have a pretty good sense of direction. I'm not the kind of person who gets lost. But the GPS had a feature that I thought was amazing; it can tell me where the closest Mexican restaurant, gas station, or coffee shop is. When I'm in another city this information is vital! So I started using it.

It turns out there are two kinds of options for the English language on my GPS. There is American English and British English. Or, as I soon discovered, Dumb English and Smart English. The British woman (Elizabeth) sounds much more intelligent than the American woman. She sounds like she knows what she's talking about when she says "Right turn ahead." So, I listen to Elizabeth. She sounds smarter. The reality is she is no smarter (Global Positioning Systemically speaking) than the American voice.

This convicted me recently as I reflected on my life. I have placed these expectations on myself and I started to question where they came from. Why do I feel like I need to be married and have kids by the time I turn thirty? Why do I feel like I should own a home sometime soon? Why do I feel like I should own a home at all? Was I listening to someone or something because it sounded good?

What voice am I listening to? Is this God saying that I needed a wife, children, house, etc. or someone else saying it?

I began to ask God if I was entitled to my dreams. I live in a country where people "chase their dreams" and kids are told to dream at an early age. Was I entitled to a wife at 25, kids at 28, and a house at 30? Was I entitled to them at all? That was my dream, but is it God's?

When normal doesn't happen you have to change normal. It's like with the economy. When you are used to one way of living and then have your finances change because of a recession you need to adjust your way of living. What used to be normal for you in regard to spending needs to change according to the new economy. If you don't do this life will be difficult.

So I'm finding a new normal and changing my expectations. I'm not going to press to get married soon or work on stealing a child. Probably the worst thing I could do would be to force my plans and expectations on this life that God has given. He knows what He's doing. I don't think God has forgot about me.

Recently, I have been listening to an audiobook called Little Princes. It's about an American who spends three months in Nepal working at an orphanage as part of a yearlong around-the-world trip. He is intrigued by Nepal because of Jon Krakauer's book Into Thin Air which chronciles a deadly excursion to the summit of Mt. Everest in 1996. Little Princes is about the author's work with kids who had been trafficked during the ten year civil war in Nepal (1996-2006).

This struck home. I read Into Thin Air in my junior year of high school. I was immediately enamored with Nepal, Everest, and the idea of going there. When I came to Christ a year later I told friends that I wanted to be a missionary to Nepal. In 2002, I got the opportunity to go to Nepal for two months to work at an orphanage. In no time at all, I fell in love with the people and the country. I spent everyday playing, teaching, and just plain enjoying time with these twenty Nepali kids. And then it was cut short. A brother of one of the orphanage leaders was murdered by the rebel Maoist group. The organization put us on a plane the next day. The trip was over, but the experience continues to stick with.

As I read Little Princes I'm drawn back to Nepal and to the kids of Emmanuel Boarding School. I miss it. I always told myself I would go back some day, but it never felt like the responsible thing to do. I don't know what God has for me after I graduate seminary in May. I'm still pursuing a position in vocational minsitry at a church and am excited about the prospect to work directly with youth again. But I'm also thinking about Nepal and exploring if God is calling me back there. Either way, I'm striving to pursue God's dream for my life.

May our dreams never get in the way of God's dreams. May we pursue His kingdom and not our own. May we find our satisfaction in Him and, in so doing, know contentment.

Grace and Peace.